#46 ‘Surprise’ Midnight Birthday Parties

Moulik got birthday bumps for free!
Originally uploaded by pallavkothari

Its the middle of the work week. Quite possibly a none too exciting Wednesday like this one. Its actually been a rough day and you could do with some dessert, like some cake maybe. Yeah?

That cake could be the easiest cake you will find & eat if you are in the vicnity of a desi neighbourhood, because invariably every night when the clock strikes twelve, some desi in some apartment somewhere near you is celebrating their ’surprise’ birthday party which they ‘ve probably been expecting since their last ’surprise’ bash. The only genuine surprise that they can encounter is * you * actually showing up (no worries, you’ll still get a piece of the cake).

As the birthday week approaches frantic calendar invites start doing the rounds amongst desi pals. Email servers work overtime and everyone finds lots of ‘maybes’ on the original invite (with good reason). Great care is taken to keep the operation under wraps from the overly eager  birthday boy/girl. Again with good reason; after all its only fair to want to feel surprised after they’ve surprised so many of those pals themselves.

Right, so once you find your way ( hint: its the apartment with countless shoes stacked outside) to this rather subdued yet wild-weekday-midnight-desi-party-apartment, you’ll probably have to get in line. No, not the cake eating line. Its the cake feeding line. Desi custom dictates that all party attendes fall into a single line , wait their turn to feed the special boy/girl and then and only then take their piece of cake . At this point, you may not be faulted for thinking that this bears uncanny resemblance to a temple you visited (right from taking your shoes off…) but the similarity doesn’t end here. Feeding etiquette mandates you to not just feed but also apply some of the cake on the hapless birthday boy’s face. Token resistance will be offered but you will find it easy to overcome.

Since you were not there from the start, you’ll probably have missed the preceding rough rituals of cake smothering (sometimes a special cake is purchased just for this purpose) , the brutal birthday bumps (everyone gets a fair chance to get one real hard kick in) folowed by the cake cutting and song singing. Admittedly these are fairly common birthday rituals but the desi twist is to get hold of other easy targets and subject them to the smothering and the bumps. This really is a “let the games begin” like announcement marked by uproarious laughter replacing the nervous titter of the room. If that sounds appealing enough, you need to up your desi friend count pronto.

Constant exchange of midnight surprises spices up weeknights and also keeps desi social equations straightened out. Tabs are kept on who attended, how many cakes were brought, which groups were responsible, who left early etc. These determine the course of future surprises. Like everything else desi, there are variations; sometimes one special night is not enough (yes, you guessed it : birthday week baby!) and sometimes you get invited to the surprise party by the birthday boy himself.

#45 Placing People

Placing people to where they belong

Desis love placing people. The placing exercise is all about identifying the social, economic, intellectual, spiritual, aesthetic  class to which the person belongs. Perfect strangers with whom there is no business what so ever are subjected to this perpetual exercise. Desis are so good at it that is ingrained into every single aspect of their lives starting with their very names.

Indian names are very much like IP addresses. An Indian full name can give you the ancestral village name, caste (sometimes sub caste), the generation, linguistic affiliation, the professional background, and the exact social class to which the person belongs etc. Desis are very good at parsing these names and placing them in the exact social strata or geographical location they come from.

Indians also use social appearances, attire and other paraphernalia like markings on forehead, number of threads in a sacred thread, design of rings and other jewelry to place them in a caste or a sub-caste. Brand names of clothes and dressing are used to put them in an economic class.

Cellphones and cars are another biggie. The size, color, brand, the size of the screen, the resolution of the camera, the ringtone on the phone, the cautiousness with which the phone is handled, the frequency of changing to a newer device are all signals to flaunt their class and desis are adept at reading them. Desis make it a point to include pictures of themselves holding expensive cellphones or standing beside high end cars in their portfolio.

More recent cues to place people have been people’s accents, hair styles, visa statuses, the countries they have been to, schools they have gone to, foreign degrees conferred upon them, companies they work for etc. When desis check facebook/orkut profiles online, they most certainly check for  all the above cues along with their tastes in music and film. A degree from an ivy league school, an americanized accent, a little goatee, a liking for Coldplay or Death cab for Cutie are sure to get you placed you up there.

But to get yourself placed in a totally uber category, you should be dating/married to a white person or at the minimum having lunch/coffee with a non desi.

#44 Stuff They Own

Originally uploaded by justinhenry

From the toothpaste they buy to the old television set they hold on to for years on end, every possession has a special significance in a desi’s life. Once an item enters a desi household, only its complete consumption or a worthy exchange offer can dislodge it.

Clinging on to stuff they own acquires ritualistic proportions often rendering desi homes as a curious museum of mostly obsolete or useless artifacts. Unlike museums though, which focus on the act of collecting, desi homes focus exclusively on the act of not letting go. For instance, medicines for some strange reason are treasured possessions,with bottle of vicks , iodex or amrutanjan enduring life spans of over a decade; well past their respective expiry dates.

From the moment the smallest of knick-knack is purchased from the most obscure of little outlets, the desi will feel not just a sense of ownership toward it, but also a sense of pride and an inexplicable sentimental attachment to it. And, if they got it on a deal, then it pretty much becomes a part of their legacy for future generations. This is not just limited to the purchases, it also elegantly extends itself  to stuff they don’t technically own or purchase.

Desis are also expert reusers and champion refurbishers of stuff that is broken. And while America, with all its wastefulness and throw away culture proves to be a formidable obstacle in a desi’s reuse endeavours, there is always room for those broken shoes on trips back home.

SDL refuses to celebrate anniversary

Palo Alto, CA:  In a truly original and maverick gimmick, the still popular amateur-anthro blog Stuff Desis Like (SDL) refused to mark its first anniversary with any sort of noticeable activity.

On account of the blog’s  anniversary, a social get together or even a formal Hindu ceremony of some sort was largely expected.

Speculation is rife that a lack of originality, rather than marketing/PR creativity is the main motivation behind this latest stunt. Scientists actually believe that  this non-celebration might very well be the effects of caffeine in the chai that desis love to drink at all times.

However,  if  certain secret sources are to be believed,  this is indeed a move of sheer genius,worth its weight in gold.   The busy brown bloggers have been unavailable for comments on the matter, but this may be due to a host of  reasons including the ongoing tax season, india’s tour of new zealand, the falling India rupee or perhaps  the unmissable opportunities thrown out by this great recession we find ourselves  in.

Desis all over the world are  awaiting the outcome of this non-celebration eagerly.  Some enthusiatic desis we spoke to, expect a guest post by none other than SRK ;  who has purportedly opposed to the pictures used in one of the entries.  Others however, have checked their levels of optimism after this agonizingly extended delay in marking the anniversary event in any way.

The never growing ,  eighty-nine member strong  Facebook fan community of the blog seems to have truly caught-on with the spirit of this non-celebration by refusing to take part in discussions or inviting others to be a part of the community, preferring instead to share posts from the blog as wall posts.  Other social networks,  even though desi favorites, remain dormant with blatant inactivity.

Previous gimmicks from these bloggers have included something similar.

Reuters

PS:  Thank you to all our readers !

#43 Being Inquisitive

.f.r.i.e.n.d.s.
Originally uploaded by .krish.Tipirneni.

Desi inquisitiveness is a complex phenomenon, ridden with emotional highs and lows,replete with dramatic twists and turns. Peskiness, curiosity and an unbound spirit of inquiry go a long way in trying to satiate this inquisitiveness.

Not that desis mean to be overly enthusiastic with their inquiries; it is just that their well-intentioned selves care so much for you , that the proverbial nose-poke into your business turns out to be as feeble as having a feisty festoon.

The inquisitiveness also happens to be selfless, with the inferred information and the carefully deduced conclusions shared amongst fellow pursuers of knowledge. The experienced experts throw in their own enlightened judgments into the mix and the purists apply a liberal dose of “Indian traditions” on top of those judgments.

In the factors that inform these conclusions; education, caste, achievements, job, salaray levels, relationship status and religion figure prominently. The connections drawn between these are bizarre yet probable; flippant,yet elaborate. Sample this : “How can someone who only has a bachelors degree, not be from a lower caste and have a white girlfriend, when they just got laid-off ?!!?”

If you are subjected to desi inquisitiveness, you are walking on a fine line between desi adulation and desi abhorrence and there is no real recipe to successfully negotiate through it. Conform or take a stance. In case you decide on the latter, don’t reveal it all at once in the interest of keeping everyone hooked. Desis like to play it like a video game – just enough challenge and just enough reward, at all times.

If all else fails, you can always huddle with other desis. On the other hand, if you want to kick-off your own career in the curiosity business, you just need find the flame within you and start bartering information.

#42 Undisclosed ‘Item’ Status

Desi Date
Originally uploaded by Raja Islam

Desis love to keep their romance under wraps for years on end, even after the remotest of their acquaintances have guessed and gossiped heartily about their relationship status (and gotten well beyond bored of it).

In the arsenal of the clandestine desi love birds , we find vehement and often rational denials (“My friend, really? Of all people YOU think I’m seeing HER??!!??”) , well-conjured up alibis (” I needed to be there to pick up her roomie, yaar”), carefully thought out excuses (” See you guys later, I have some urgent work!” ) and a trusted confidant(e) (akin to a magician’s assistant, picked out from the audience to add to the authenticity of the trick).

As a rule of nature, everything gets old over time. But the never-say-”yes, we are an item” desi couple flout this law by coming up with newer (and lamer) excuses ; some of which, put to shame classics like “the dog ate my homework”. Even the peskiest of your friends, with all their coaxing and cajoling skills, can at best get a relative percentage value of commitment from either of the two ( “Maybe 60%, I am seeing her and 40% she is”).

With the cat never, ever let out of the bag, it suffocates and chokes to death. Often, such occasions are marked by the unsurprising announcement of the wedding, with a sense of ‘thank god, its over’ feeling overwhelming friends. Details of the well-guarded stealth operation are revealed from then on, dispelling common desi romance myths (the newbies at the game take liberal notes of all those early morning dates which fooled literally,everyone ) . The couple and the confidant(e) basking in the smugness of it all; living happily ever after.

#41 Amway

diagram of a cult (also known as quixtar or amway)
 Originally uploaded by goatopolis

The business acumen of your average desi is unquestionable, but there are only a chosen few of them who have seen the real path to enlightenment. And these desis will leave no stone unturned in their efforts to emancipate you from a life of ignorance and ostensible poverty.

That path is Amway and its many other smarter- than- thou variants which will literally make you sell magic cool-aid on your way to making astronomical fortunes and enabling you to win the next marathon you compete in (just a friendly side effect).

The products are so potent that their effects instill an overwhelming amount of self-belief into an otherwise “god- fearing, regular, middle-class” desi. Almost overflowing with this unshakeable confidence, these desis courageously masquerade around in shopping malls, restaurants, parking lots and airports alike in a determined effort to accost people who are perfect strangers to them, but look like wrethched souls who would want to make an extra buck or two in their lives. Sure! Who doesn’t? All you need, is “an open mind”

The enlightened ones are curious about your interests and hobbies, your planned retirement age and your phone number, amongst other things. They might have also seen you in college or their wives might need ” your help” on a flight. And they are only too eager to share their details with you since they’ve been chatting with you for an entire minute now!

Opportunity knocks your door several bazzillion times until the door finally caves in or of course you agree to attend an elightenment session with their established guru, who will draw elaborate diagrams and make grand presentations on how you can achieve ultimate financial freedom in your lives. Why work so hard, when all you have to do is sell stuff to people who will in turn be elevated to the oh-so-sought-after “early retirement” status ?

The fairy tale lives of these fortunate desis are full of happiness and success derived from selling products for the betterment of humanity. Hang out at the Macy’s nearest to you this weekend and you could be a chosen one too, all you have to then do is…BELIEVE. No wait, sell actually

#40 Temples

Pittsburgh Venkateswara Temple
Originally uploaded by digitaleye81

Desis love their temples and build them wherever they go. Temples come in several sizes and shapes in several countries outside India.

Goddess Lakshmi can be seen showering not just rupees but currencies from around the world in their respective local temples. Almost all of the United States have at least one hindu temple, with big/dense states having tens of them.

Temples are the places of gathering for Desis, movie theaters and grocery stores being a close-second. Temple notice boards can have a dazzling variety of flyers ranging from ‘Camry for sale’ to furniture to music classes to India tickets to SP Balasubramanyam’s benefit show to a local desi DJ party. An occasional resume looking for a job should not come as a terrible surprise.

Temples, by rule, are part of visiting parents’ itinerary. This sometimes includes driving hundreds of miles to visit a major temple like the Pittsburgh Venkateswara temple which is often given the same iconic status as Tirupathi or Srirangam.

Hindu Temple Parking Space
Originally uploaded by kaysov

Visiting folks and FOBs are shown and asked to wonder at air-conditioning system, fire sprinklers and other building code compliances inside the temples. Temples in the United States come with additional desi compliances like parking spaces for Car Pooja.

An occasional white in a Hindu temple gets good stares. White in Indian clothes? Extra stares.

#39 Goatees

Yes, go ahead blame this one on bollywood. The year was 2001. In the autumn month of August, as a then nearlyforty year old Aamir Khan pranced around the silver screen with that ever so tiny clump of hair on his chin, desi men around the world watched in awe and how!

The modest fashion sensibilities of desis had been transformed forever as brand new vistas of possibilities opened up. Desis realized the exclusiveness the goatee bought and they all started to grow facial hair fervently. Some even took indefinite vacation only to reappear in the civil society with their own brand of bad-ass facial hair.

Goatees give desi men confidence , which goes great with gelled hair. Goatees also counterbalance the weight of the chin, putting their tongues in the perfect position to switch between accents.

Till this day, desis continue to buck the fashion trend by sporting the charismatic goatee in various shapes and sizes that continue to redefine what was earlier thought to be just a passing fad.

Pick your desi friends wisely. The ones with the goatees might just be the ones who happen to know everything.

ps: just like all toothpastes are colgate in ‘desi’, all facial hair type is referred to as ‘goatee’ here . We preferred not to use the other desi term for it which also happens to be the  brand name of an  underwear

#38 Being Everywhere

Thank you – Come again
Originally uploaded by Jeff B

The concept of a land far far away becomes woefully inapplicable in the case of desis. From the remote islands of Fiji to the never ending animated satirical world of the Simpsons, you’ll find a desi everywhere.

Global desi presence infuses a lot of familial pride into a desi. More importantly, every time the desi feels a lack of <insert latest Apple gizmo> or a conversation topic he can always rely upon that aunt in New Jersey, or that uncle in the bay area or that cousin in the UK.

With relatives and friends spread across the length and breadth  of countries like the US, desis can remain busy hopping between mofussil towns attending desi parties in each town.

Being everywhere also allows the patriotic desi media to take pride in a US senator having Indian roots or on an English film on Mumbai putting Bollywood on the world stage (the Kodak theatre stage really ) . This national pride is also enthusiastically reflected on a desi’s countenance when explaining the goings-on in a SRK film to a non-desi.

Note that settling amongst different cultures does not deter desis from doing the same things everywhere, like opening a grocery store, starting a motel or playing the only sport they know. Don’t be too surprised if you ever get to watch a cricket game between Italy and Ghana with a Singh bowling to a Patel.